Don’t Forget To Be Perfect
Don't Forget To Be Perfect
Self-acceptance is hard for me… allowing my value to be dictated by my flaws, trying to fit into a world where I was once thought of as less-than.
It is hard to get the words of others out of your head…
“You’re on crutches and braces.” “You use a wheelchair.” “You can't play with us.” “You’re my disabled friend.” “You won't have a real relationship.” “Those scars are gross.”
Looking to God for comfort, only to hear…
“You don't worship like I do.” “You're wrong.” “Your God is different from my God.” “You're wrong.”
So I spent the better part of 10 years running from God, trying not to piss him off. I looked around and I saw a perfect world. No one that I perceived as smart, good-looking, and Godly was disabled.
So their words became mine, my internal dialog telling myself,
“I can't.” “I'm not good enough.” “I'm ugly.” “I was in special education, so I'm not smart.” “I lusted and got drunk and no I’m going to Hell.” Now I'm 3 weeks away from my 43rd birthday. I run a non-profit organization Criptaedo. I speak to other disabled people, encouraging them to live an active and healthy lifestyle. Hoping that I can help them not to feel what I felt about myself for so long. I still visit those feelings but they get shorter as I learn more about myself.