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Regular Girl

Hey everybody its your friendly writer again but this isnt a happy post but one of frustration. I sometimes wish I was a regular girl where I didn’t have to worry so much about wetting myself constantly its starting to wear me down like an addict trying to kick a habit to no avail. It truly does a number on my confidencence one week am praising myself and the next week am kicking myself. My friend says that I shouldn’t because its part of my Cerebral Palsy but to tell you the truth am tired of my condition its all I think about day and night, it fills me with endless ups and downs because am a perfectionist and I hate not achieving my goal of staying dry for more than a week. It drives me crazy I feel like a failure. Do any of you withdraw because of your condition to where you are so consumed by trying to control everything about your disbility that you get OCD about it? like sometimes I don’t even want to drink anything because I know that no matter how hard I try am going to pee myself eventually. 

This really hurts me sometimes like I feel disgusting and dirty and angry. Its gotten to the point where I get physically repulsed by having dirty lenings that1I rush to wash them it takes away the anxiety and the shame. It makes me feel like I have control over what my body does. Do you guys go through this?

Sometimes I feel like the only disabled girl who goes through what am going through and everyone else is living there lives care free talking about how grateful they are about being alive not that they shouldn’t its just its not reality to just show the good days but not the bad ones. So as I see it my biggest challenge in my life is to feel positive about my years venturing out of this darkness called my life . Should I keep up the fight with myself to change or should I submit control and accept what comes with being me?

I wish could find a happy medium, but sometimes it seems so far away. The art of loving yourself and louthing youself is very dificult in that the latter always wins. I hope that this wasn’t too depressing please comment and tell me how you guys deal with those not so good days I would love to get to know you guys life behind a screen can get awfully lonely sometimes. As I leave you I remain your ever faithful correspondent Faitfully Yours, Lori 

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